Monday, November 05, 2007


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Little more progress...or not

In the same vein,

Scene 3:

Moses labours up the Mount Sinai and comes upto a cave.....
He hears sounds from the cave and peers inside.... he is surprised at seeing a bush with smoke emanating from it. Convinced that this is divine appration that he has always been searching for, he says, "O lord, please give me the ten commandments, folks are waiting at the foot of the mountain for them."(Creative liberties :D)
Suddenly the bush speaks, "Who dares disturb the great sage Parasurama in his Agni Tapasya???"
As a dazed Moses looks on, a hand emerges from the multitudes of Hair, holding an axe...
SWISHHHHH..... the axe flies past his face on to the horizon, and Lo Behold, Kerala is born!!!!!!!

I just have to post the next one here...... its the funniest comment i have ever heard in my life..

ATTN PRUDES: Dont read on!

Situ: Drinking session at a friends place. All are smashed and the host(N) decides to serve dinner.
A couple of guys S and J are having curd rice and so N takes out the pickle,

N, "S, y dont u have some pickle, its excellent ??"
S, "No thanks, I already have ulcer stomach burns too much if I have spice"

N, "J, U have no such problems... so u HAVE to try this.."
Pat came the reply,

"N, dont you know that I am from Kozhikode??? If I have this, it will burn for the other guy!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Footnote: Kozhikode is considered the gay capital of Kerala)

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Script(?) in progress...

There is this pj play concept that i have been thinking of....:D

What if the 'space time continuum' goes bezerk????

Scene one:

Garden of Eden
Eve coyly encourages Adam to eat the apple from the tree of life. Adam, as will any man when a beautiful naked girl asks him to, immediately plucks the apple from the tree. But, in his excitement (very understandable) the apple slips from his hand and there is a scream of "GRAVITYYYYYYY" from Issac Newton sitting below.

Sidenote: Isnt the world lucky that he was born in England????? If he was a Keralite, the autopsy would have said. "Death caused due to severe trauma to the cranium caused by a heavy blunt object falling from great height" ...... Thats y u will never see our scientists relaxing in a coconut grove..... and once he does relax there, pretty sure that he wont remain a scientist.

Scene Two:
Moses at the the shore of the red sea with thousands of Israelites counting on him for safety...
So he raises his staff(as god orders him to do) and parts the sea......
Moses rushes thru leading his rejoicing followers..
Suddenly he stops.... shocked at seeing a drenched man in a dhoti with a basket on his head running towards them from the otherside.....
Moses, "Who are you????What are you doing here??? Dont you know that U are running rowards the paroh who is trying to destroy all of us???"
The man, "I am Vasudeva..... dont go there...The evil king Kamsa is after my son Krishna and will kill everyone in his path"

Now everyone knows why my scripts never get any takers... :)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

When will we learn????

Mumbai now is like the magic ball that v used to get...... It bounces back with alacrity every single time.... and bouncing back higher and faster too.
This is the SOP that the city has been living on for the past 15 years when its been terrorised and torn apart by INTERNAL and external forces. There will be the most horrific and vile act commited by hands that can never be caught which will change the futures of innumerable families......
But then the media and the political honchos come on and compliment all and sundry on their amazing resilience and everyone starts walking around with smug selfsatisfied smiles and tales of how normal people were sooo helpful.

I have a feeling that the only people who have been actually trained for damage control is the common Mumbaikar. They have been through so many horrors in the recent past that, the moment something happens, they are ready with water, biscuts and the like to distribute to the affected.

On TV and on ensuing reports, there seemed to be no government backed attempt at controlling the situation, and (deserving special mention) Rajdeep Sardesai was positively nauseating as he exuded immense pride on CNN-IBN being the first on the scene....... hope somebody awards him a gold medal or something or at least help him out by getting the stick out from where ever its lodged.

Of course its great that people are ready to help others in their time of need, but the Media tends to focus only on this and not on the most important factor of .. How???? How to ensure that this never happens again???? The who, why,what for and all that are just points of discussion for forums and coffee shops....... discuss....argue..... and forget. We are perhaps the most indifferent country in the world when it comes to terrorism.

The greatest diplomats in the world will pat themselves on the back for the fact that the United States is awakening to the reality of terrorism in India....... what????? If the 93 bombings, parlimentary attacks, hourly bombings in kashmir cant wake them up, what can a measly 7 blasts do????? They get more than that in an hour in IRAQ.

And if they do wake up, then what????? They will come into India, weed out the terrorists and make our country a safe place to live again??????

How I wish for a national leader with BALLS to actually do something other than just look tearful and commiserate with the victims.

And life goes on........ till the next attack.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


My girl is still mad at me......
Now its because I have a bad back!! Ok ... ok no sniggers required. She is in India and i am here in Dubai, so its quite not the sniggery kind of reason. Its cause I didnt take off and go to the doctor when she asked me to as I had a very important meeting.
I ask u, what kind of reason is that to totally ignore a smart, handsome, well-built, macho(she does read my blog at times, might convince her of all this if I repeat it enough) guy, who is suffering pain mixed with neglect now?????? This is exactly the reason noone understands women...... one second, she is all, "my poor baby.....", then suddenly, "since u dont value what i say... bye"!!!
And y is it that its always the guys fault????

"I want to cut my hair short..."
"I dont think so, U look better in long hair.."
"U just wont let me do anything I want... bye"

Whats this???? Does this actually make any sense???? who is forcing who to forsake what?????

I am only starting to realize the truth....

If I have to be right, I just have to agree...... constantly.... no..... every time.

But, then..... its all worth it...... the way her eyes light up when i come in to the room............ the way she laughs away all my idiosyncrasies...... how happy she sounds to hear my vioce ........ the way she smiles.......

Goddddddddd!!!!!!!!! I am a slave!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


The past few weeks were the best and the worst of my life.... in other words, same as usual!!

Just finished the biggest project of my career and as i languish in my personal pool of glory, the accounts sharks have started to snap at my heels...... i dream of a day, a day when i can just do a project and not have the financial hacks at my throat for over spending on the approved budget, a day when everyone is proud of me for singlehandedly running the event instead of worrying over a few hundreds of thousands of discrepencies (and not even a single dollar into my pocket...shame on u rahul)..... I had thought I would take a couple of days off after the event to recharge my batteries, but with my boss threatening to tear off my batteries, the thought better remain a thought.

But the silverlining has been the fact that i met quite a few celebreties and discovered that most of them shouldnt be celebrated at all....., but there are a few execptions who can be surprising...

AB sr and jr are among the most polished and svauve ppl one can hope to meet

HR is a real gentleman.... and very very soft spoken.... very appreciable

Anil K Cool guy, gave the best lines during the Koffee with Karan set, K - "who would you cast in the indian version of Brokeback Mountain?" Anil - "Karan Johar and Shah Rukh Khan".... that takes the cake and the hamper and everything else

Sal Kh Moody, but very decent... surprising from the stuff u read abt him

etc etc.. I know nobody is interested in this stuff, but couldnt miss this opportunity to let anyone and everyone know that I met all of these ppl and many many more....

The biggest flip side of all this is that my girl is mad at me for being incommunicado for almost three weeks....... God help me...if HE has any say with a woman...

Monday, May 08, 2006

Am Back ......

To all the THOUSANDS of my fans, I deeply regret the pain and suffering caused to you by my lack of blogging... (please... no other permutations and combinations of the scentence invited... but still if you feel the urge to comment on it, feel free to write it down and snail mail it to me). Its been a crazy few days...... I have just been initiaited in the art of 'taking out clients for Lunch/ Dinner and billing it to the company'. Its a tough art to master, but with a quick learner like me its just a matter of one time example and immediate mastery.

So yesterday, as a part of my duty of course, I toolk a few clients out to dinner at the Burj... (for all u innocents, its the only 7 star luxury hotel in the world........ ha!!! I spy with my eyelovely shades of green ). Since the client wanted the Arabian Experiance, I took them(magnanimously) to the speciality restaurant.

Bigggggg mistake!!!!!

I swear its soooo difficult to eat at such a place.

First of all, I am certain that they dont trust you(or rather me.... since I am the one in the 7* luxury hotel) with anything in the Restaurant.

We reached the table assigned to us and whoom.... 5 blue clad terrorists jumped out of nowhere and wresteled us into the chairs...... I am not exaggerating(ahem!) they pulled back the chairs and pushed it on the back of my knees.... thump!, they they took white pieces of cloth... (I was sure it was to gag us..) and spread it on our laps.... felt real weird.

(*Subtle self glorification* But am sure that anyone who goes to the 7* luxury hotel has got to be prepared for such stuff.)

I just managed to control my nerves, when the sardar of the terrorists...(no beard but.... please dont bomb us here) thrust gold woven menus on our face..... soooo taste fully printed in ARABIC. Luckily, after 4 years in Dubai, I had picked up the language(quick learner remember) and so gravely tolf the sardar, "Salaam aliyekum"..... "shoo"(what) pointing to a particularly heavily priced dish. I could see that the clients and the sardar were extremely impressed by my eloquence and am certain that all the sniggers were about some private joke that I was not privvy to.
The volley in arabic that the sardar let loose would have felled a weaker man, but nein moi (wow... more languages)... I stared into his eyes and told him "shukran" (thank you). Then asked him, in english, to bring mixed grills and seafood platters.....
But the real tension between me and the sardar began, when I wanted beer and he was forcing some old over-ripe grape juice on us. I think his right eyebrow might have cut a swath on the ceiling when i told him..""

But the weirdest thing for me is the way they stare at you..... as we were the only ppl in the restaurant at the time, we had the undivided attention of around 1500 minions and a few sardars..... its a frightening experiance, when u know that if u cut the meat wrong, there might be retributions.... So i decided to be smart and concentrated on the Beer and the canapes(another peril of going to a 7* luxury hotel) and only the tikkas of the platter... no cutting ...just forking.

But the biggest rush was when the sarder gave us a ransom note well into the 4 figures and I....I swiped the card for it......... yayyyyyyyyyyyyy

Monday, April 24, 2006

My day...

Now as I drown in the sarcasm spawned by maya, je suis la femme and Nautilus about my last post, (which is total crap... the post.... for the record) I realize how much the blog world is influencing me and my daily life now.
A typical WORK day,

05.30 am : Jogging, gym, heavy workout... (as the ppl who know me grasped, its a technicolor dream)

07.30 am : Snooze the alarm

07.40 am : Ditto

07.50 am : Ditto

08.00 am : Throw alarm into the strategically placed laundry bin

08.15 am : Mobile alarm rings.....

08.17 am : Up ..... moning download....shave .....shower....

08.25 am : Leave for office (Quite Mr.Beanish )

08.30 am : Search for parking

08.45 am : Search for parking (Yup..... its the toughest thing in Dubai)

08.50 am : Double park behind the least arab owned looking car (Nissan Sunny or Toyoto corolla - the ultimate malabari vehicles )

09.00 am : Check for comments on my blog (Smile to self at the couple of comments that may b there)

09.01 am : Check outlook for my mails (Got my priorities right)

09.02 am : Browse all the 30 odd blogs on my favs

10.00 am : Reply to my official mails

Ok ... this is getting boring. To put a loooong stupid story short, I spend almost 25 percent of my most productive (ahem) time blog surfing. And the best part of my day is usually when I see a new comment on my blog..... and the second best when some extremely popular blogger acknowledges one of my dumb wisecrack with a smiley or if I am lucky, with an answer to my comment. So much so that on a day when i dont have any comments on my blog, I visit as many new blogs ( for me) as possible and leave my link so that someone might visit and leave a comment. Shit!!! Looks like my Attention seeking... no.... spotlight seeking, fluctuating self esteemed weirdo persona is encroaching on my virtual identity too.
But it has given me a reason to be in the office and try to get some work done, as opposed to taking a couple of bogus appointments to go home and sleep.....

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Need.... sleeeppp...

At last its getting over..... the past 2 days have been probably the most enlightening of my career. I discovered that after 36 hours of no sleep, I might call my boss at 4.30 in the morning and ask him to send the vehicle immd. to the airport. I also discovered that my boss, after being sleepless for roughly the same time, can put my friend D to shame with the list of expletives that can be conjured up without any notice...
But thats no easy task mind you..... I remember one time as we were lounging at the chowmein shop just outside my college and there were these Cycle Rickshaw guys oogling at the girls sitting with us and passing comments among themselves, while constantly rearranging and checking their family jewels. Now, D is no ladies man but he does have a fierce college pride and got irritated after sometime. Then...

D : "Bhaiyya idhar aaooo" (Bro come here)*I suck at all modes of communication so bear with the translation*

Immediately around 7 rickshaws were next to us.

D : "Station chaloge kya??" (Will u go to the station??)

Rickshaw Chorous : "Haan ji" (Yes....ji[?])

D : "To jaaoo naa!! Idhar kya kar rahe ho??" ( Then go, what r u doing here??)

The roaring laughter after that comment ensured that D never travelled in a rickshaw again.

But his best was yet to come....

It was raksha bandhan and as usual all of us guys ensured that v werent present in college. Unfortunately D had some project work and had to go to the library. They chased him for almost 10 minutes b4 cornering him in the canteen... (He was one of the first draft picks in any case as his caustic tounge was not limited to rickshaw guys and he used 'mader ch.d' and 'b...n ch.d' as punctuation marks in any conversation, and he was the one for gender equality as girls got the same punctuations as the guys). He had something like 6 raakhis on his arm b4 he could say anything..... but what he eventually said ensured immd. removal of the same..
"bandho bandho... par yaad rakhna, duniya ka sabse bada Behan Ch*d main hi hoon" (Tie it on... but remember I am the biggest sister fuc**r in the whole world)

As I was saying, as I have not slept for as long as I have been awake, and I have been awake for 37 hours now, I dont think I am making sense anymore and its better that I stop this right now ...... and since I have never ever been succint in any thing I write anyway, dont think anyone will notice the difference :-)

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A beer bath

I am dead...sapped of all energy and life force.... and I think I flushed the last of my weekend beer half an hour back. Now, all I can do is twiddle my thumbs till the next weekend ....... OR NOT!!!!!

Its that time of the month again...... for ppl who realize I am repeating myself, dont bother reading this or this. But I am gonna get sloshed beyond repair again tonight and to top it off, I get to check out Buddha Bar....yayyyyyyy.

(I am trying the hyperlink thingy for the first time, so do forgive me if you suddenly see SITE BLOCKED page.....Total Digression - I wonder how they rationalize giving 'ladies of the night' a free rein and block the relatively insignificant porn sites....) But last thursday was spectacularly fun.......... we ended up at 'X' nightclub (name changed for no particular reason...other than the fact that it was a pick up joint and I dont want anyone to know that I went there) which has a kick ass filipino rock band. Their base player is this hot babe (even filipino's look hot after a trip to the real Arabia) and she goes totally bezerk when they play 'Sweet Child of Mine'....she snatches the lead guitar and then headbangs and plays with the guitar behind her shoulders.......... that move has the advantage of giving us frustrated souls a 4 minute view of her pierced belly button and 4 tatoo's around it. Quite classy stuff..... but thats not the point of the narrative....

There was 5 of us, 3 guys and 2 girls (yup, I was the odd man out....*sob*) and all of us guys share an affinity to Pool. So when the band having their break, we started a game and the girls sat at our table judging anyone and everyone who stepped into that place (really...girls). Suddenly the DJ stops and there is a loud crash (interchangable...was too fast to time) v rush to see the fun and almost had a heart attack at the sight.....

There was this 6 ft. tall arab guy(for me anyone taller than 5'8" is neck cant move any further) drenched to the bone in beer with a broken pitcher at his feet, looking like Tusshar Kapoor in a comedy scene....romantic scene.... action scene....asleep.....i.e totally shell shocked and my friend Shamita(name changed to protect her boyfriend thru whom I know her) trying her best to demolish a black wall, which on closer inspection turned out to be Ceaser, the bouncer(again 6 ft tall). Apparantly this guy wanted the girls to join him in a drink and made the cardinal mistake of bringing a pitcher of beer with him........ poor guy, a textbook case of 'I didnt know girls had balls' syndrome. Somebody give that girl a medal.......

I am now totally terrified of her....... and have vowed to never talk to her when v have just ordered a pitcher and am still condering how she managed to splash the beer over a 6ft(?) guy when she is a proud 5'2" in her heels!!!!!

Damn!! If only I can build up enough courage to ask her to teach me.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sense & Nonsensibility

After my brief tryst with philosophy yesterday, I have discovered one important thing about myself........ I am incoherent. I read my post today and couldnt make head or tail of what it was about. So inorder to not loose the precious few friends who visit my blog, I am desisting from my threat yesterday of writing more glibberish.

Its really weird, I have the whole concept laid out perfectly in my head, but when i typed it in it looked more or less like a bloody scrabble board. Infact, that might have made more sense. But in any case, it doesnt matter that i cant understand my own writing since I understand the ultimate truth...... uh ohhhh looks like I am entering the glibberish roundabout again!!!

Its been my boon & bane through the many exams that have I have 'just passed' over the years...... The only one I ever failed is my accountancy in final year Bcom....and true to my goal of being the best at whatever i do, when i failed .... i failed miserably. But it really was a great shock to my whole family that I passed all the rest..... since my first and second year exams were more or less drinks breaks from the cricket matches I was playing in. Infact I am quite proud of that feat too.... 21 papers at one go and lost only one....but I digress..
As I was saying, till my tenth exams, I really used to put in a major effort to study and gain good marks..... since my mom was faster, stronger and more cunning than me till then. But after that..... my prose writing has been basically a whirlpool of generalities from which the real smart examiner can fish out gems(and a few did....otherwise I cant find any reason for me to pass any of the exams ever).

But that doesnt apply to my statistics exam ..... I still dont know how I passed that one. There was this guy sitting in front of me, Ranjith.P if i remember right, he had 'bits' by the dozens and was using them and throwing them under the bench. I had no clue what the question paper required me to do and was contemplating the vital statistics of Pamela Anderson, Sharon Stone etc.... when I observed a few chits near my shoe. Confession time.....I am ashamed to say that untill then I never had the guts to copy.... but this was a new situation..... the only connection I had with the subject was the question paper I had and I certainly didnt want to score an even zero.

So the game began......

* Look left ... look right.... again look left ...then look right.........I did my table fan impression for another 10 minutes b4 I was certain that the professor was actually sleeping.

*Slight, miniscule movement of the right leg.....

*Look left... look right....again look left...then look right....

(Yes u guesses it, its the road crossing technique customised for copying....I adapt fast!!)

To cut a looong story short, I was able to appropriate one of the biggest chits in roughly one hour.

And yayyyyyyy...... two of the answers on the chit had the same elements as the two 20 mark questions.

*Fold the chit and hide it in the palm........

*look left ....look right.....again look left...then look right..... write the first word

and so on and so forth..... In the last one and half hours i copied the two answers verbatim and submitted the paper 5 minutes b4 the warning bell even.

I then went upto ranjith

Me - "the exam was ok naaa????"

Ranjith-"Was good"

Me - Almost jumping with joy

Ranjith - "But man, I had 7 chits and not a single question was on those"....................

But still I passed the exam.......

Jai Calicut University!!!!!!

Saturday, April 08, 2006


I have been commenting at a lot of different blogs on philosophy and several have asked me to clear my stand on life and the reasons for it...... here goes my attempt. I know I will sound disjoined and confused...... but thats just who i am :-)

At first there was nothing and then........ - Cant digest that, ..nothing can come from let me assume that there was something. A single, all encompassing entity.

Now comes the tricky part,

If there is only can you know what you are???

That is, if there is nothing to compare with, nothing can be determined about anything. If there is only fun and no pain, noone would know what fun is...... this relativity is what I am talking abt. Now the assumption here is that this entity wants to know itself and sceptics ask y such a powerful and omnipotent entity will think so.... My answer to that is, The search for 'I' or 'Who am I' is the driving force for most of us and I for one am attributing that drive to the Soul, which I will come to in due course.

Now since this entity was to learn about it self and it can do so only through relativity, it creates something... say for example space. It then compares its feeling as space to its feeling as the sole entity..... if it matches, bingo....otherwise, the next creation and the cycle is begun.

Now the point here to understand is that the sapce-time continuem that we live in is not present for the entity.....simple because it created it. So the past, present and future is the same. Everything that is happening and is yet to happen has already happened and vice versa.

(I know that I am confusing the hell out of any unlucky soul who stumbles on this post and I beg their forgiveness....but I just have to write this to see what my convictions r worth)

Now as this supreme entity creates all that is, its element is present in everything. The energy that causes the electrons to move..... where does that come from???? Energy cannot from nothing...... and this something that it comes from is my supreme power.

So it is present in everything, the desk, an ant, glass, straw .....anything and everything is an experiance which can answer the ultimate question. And as there are no two exactly same things .... every form is a different experiance.... this explains the need for multiple units of essentially the same thing.

Now as the sole purpose of this is .....self awareness, this power is least bothered abt good, bad, pure, evil and all that crap. Mayb it finds itself in the cruellest of ideas....u never know.

I will try to put firth my views on good, bad and all that crap in the next one..... I hope I can!!!!!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Quit ???????

Quitting is not in my blood.... in fact, I dont think its in anybody's blood if I remember my biology classes right... but cant b too sure since i started listening only after a closed door session for chapter 3 of my 10th standard biology textbook..... and that class had nothing to do with blood, eventhough we did discuss in depth about a few other bodily fluids.
But coming back to the topic at hand, I just wont quit.... my determination is already legendary in the Trikkadeeri folklore after the time i refused to quit playing cricket matches during my 1st and 2nd year degree examinations. And this trait of mine has only grown stronger with age..... now i refuse to quit drinking chilled beer even though my doctor seems to think that my lungs are more congested than the rush hour Mumbai local trains. A few coughs are not a big price to pay for inebriation.
But i did realize recently that life is not all about getting drunk and babes...... its also about food. I went to this restaurant called Chinese Village at sea view and godddd... I found paradise...(i just couldnt remember the spelling for haevan...hevean...havaen...crap, so used paradise) and it was called 'crispy spinach with fried chicken'. I had no idea that anyone other than 'popeye the sailor man... toot toot' could ever eat spinach. But now I have realized how healthy spinach is and plan to eat it regularly.
So much to write and sooo little time....better get back to work now or I will have to work at chinese village!!!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

No Love for PavLov

Pavlov was wrong....... and his dog deserved the dogs life it got!!!! There is no such thing as stimuli-response and all that crap.

If this fantasy theory was true, how can you explain this:

Date Time Fines source Area Fees
14/06/05 10.06 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200
14/07/05 15.22 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200
03/08/05 17.09 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200
16/08/05 18.55 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200
03/09/05 18.34 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200
04/09/05 19.22 Dubai Traffic Al Sofouh St 200

These are the basic details of my speeding fines during last year. A few things are immediately apprant..........
  • I drive too damn fast
  • I tend to drive faster during the second half of the day
  • I dont drive too fast during the last couple of weeks
  • Dubai traffic are sob's
  • There are 3 constants, A) Dubai Traffic, B) 200 and the most important C)Al Sofouh St.

At last, my final bcom exams have been surpassed in my 'Waterloo' scale.... the new winner is Al Sofouh Street.

In a period of roughly 3 months, I got flashed(radar flash.....u perverts) 6 times from the same radar at the same street during roughly the same time(majority). I am sure that Mr. 'Stimuli Dog' would have slowed down in that general area after the first couple of flashes.... if it was a true experiment. I am certain now that the dog was bribed to act the way he did and i also realize what"under laboratory conditions" mean!!

This is the problem if u trust your text books....... I was confident that this theory will hold me in good stead and I wont get more than a couple of tickets....but what happened????I am out of AED 1200. If only I had slept during that lesson as during the rest of my student life...the single thing that i learnt cost me this much, lucky I know nothing else.

This the problem I have with all experiments, scientific theories and postulates and all those perfect logics...... The best illustration is that, u cant draw a bloody straight line and the straight line is the basis for most of geometry. Ok....mayb that was stupid...but if I am stupid enough to throw 1200 down the limits are endless.

But, I really dont understand y they should allow cars which can touch 300 km/hr if the speed limit is just 120?????? Isnt it entrapment??????

Speeders of the world unite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

What the hell am I talking abt????

I had to visit Knowledge Village yesterday and its was weird to see groups of kids, sitting around, commenting on the passerby(But never me I am sure) and basically having a fun time. It gave me a severe heart ache....... tooooo many memories came flooding back.
Like my first day in college,
I was in a convent till my tenth and so the prospect of wearing jeans to college was in itself a great event. So i went, decked in brand new sneakers and jeans and t shirt........ ready to take on the world, which in my head consisted mostly of pamela and co. running towards me as in every baywatch episode. But reality, like maggi tomato ketchup, is different. What i did have is a few guys beat me up due to the fact that my sneakers were new(have still not figured out the connection, but that was the given reason). Actually a few of my school mates too got the same treatment from the 'Cobra gang' and that evening v had a council of war. So v formed a new gang called 'Vipers'. As anyone who has been in a campus knows, the basic duty of any gang is to harass as many people as possible and write their gang name on as many walls as possible. So v started off by writing our names on the walls and erasing off theirs. But, not the whole thing, just CO. So the next day when they came into college, they had become bra vinod, bra prasad and so on. The bruises from the beating they gave us after that is still scattered over my body.
But the crowning glory of that experience happened couple of months back....... I saw vinod of 'bra vinod' fame in Dubai. He was the security guard at an office that I went to for a meeting.HA!!

Thats what I love about life....... it more or less levels up.

Something that intrigues me is the fine line between fame and infamy. Hitler, cruel as he was, is one of the most famous names.... used even as an adjective nowadays.
Cruel people seem much less so after their death. If someone v hate dies....... the hate seems to die too.
This makes me feel that, v are actually programmed to b happy, to have fun and all that. So if happiness and fun for someone is hurting others, how is he or she wrong....... Ouch! I am trying to bite my own tail here.

So better stop now ....b4 i bite the whole thing off.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Rahul and I

Sa Re Ga Ma Pa ........ once my favorite program on television. It was the only show that actually showcased the depth of musical talent present in its last edition the depth of talent was represented by the inflated egos of 5 music directors of bollywood(Jatin Lalit became 2 from 1 when they had a divorce). I have nothing against the music directors themselves.... its just that i feel that i am better than all of them put together.

Yes....its true, I am a musical genius.

*flashback - age 2*

Mom:"Hear that???? he is perfectly in sruti......he is going to become a great musician"
Dad :"Yes....shall I teach him aaditalam on his thigh??????"

*age 5*

"he is highly talented, has discovered totally new swarasthanams...... he will be a great musician, changing the face of music." : Music teacher, who will definately wish to remain anonymous if she still needs a career

*age 9*

"what a voice he has" who else but my mom....... doesnt she love me or no??????

*age 14*

"Y dont you try for All India Radio Rahul????" a 'former' friend, "at least then we can switch the radio off!!!!!!!!!"

*age 16*

-Slap.......whack-(Courtesy ABVP, Part of RSS.... the above is a famous communist drama anthem)

*age 19*

Part of a band in college...... Lead vocals...(No commie rock more slaps)
First jig, a police association annual celebration.
"We will shock the audience...... Lets start of with 'Smoke on the Water' " - The lead singer

"Jhang jhang jhang, jhang jhang jhajhang, jhang jhang jhang jhang jhang" (One of the greatest guitar intro's ever..........well, u have to hear it not read it for the right effect)

The lead singer takes a look at the SHOCKED audience and goes into a frenzy of head banging.

The drums join in and he grabs the mike to 'sing' the lyrics...."we all came down to montreal......."

Its a world record........................ About 300 people left the auditorium in anout 30 seconds.......leaving behind the said bands family and friends.
(Lucky v didnt get thrown in Jail....... my head banging probably frightened them off)

*age 28*

"I am better than all of the music directors"

*end flashback*

Yes..........Its true, I am a musical genius.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


I am back!!!!!!The dwarfs have laid down their weapons ...although grumpy is still potterring about.... and I am back to work. And its official.... i hate Micosoft Outlook. And its not the under the surface seething hate, but the blow my top, bash my screen one. I dont understand y they have to specify the time and give a provision for a reciept.....other than to prove my inefficiency. I would prefer snail mail that i can always blame the post office. But in the end MO is like girls....u cant live with it(them), nor without it(them).
That brings me to my favorite topic....girls. But hold on a sec..... i better not go there... after this womans day blogathon, i am terrified of girls. Even the ceremonial airkisses assume dangerous connotations for me now.......what if she feels I am going over board?????? and what if i appear in someones blog for the NEXT blogathon????? Shit!!!!!!! So now I am training myself to rein in my 'party training'(As important as the fruedian potty training.......this one basically dictates how much of a clown a person can b in future parties) which was sooo damn hard in the first place.
I remember the first time I went back to my home town after my avtar as the svavue, sophisticated, cosmopolitan weirdo and met one of my college friends ...... I gave her a hug and asked her how she was doing and I suddenly realized that I was 'on screen' with around 40 ppl watching me with shocked eyes and my 'heroine' contemplating whether she should use her sandal or bag or hand to test the strength of my teeth..... luckily for me, I use dentures(courtesy a 15 year old kid who backed into me and my friends on the pavement in Karol Bagh) and the worst that could have happened is me ordering for a new set. Fortunately, she did have a good sense of humour and let me off with a kick to my shins.
And I want to meet the guy/girl who invented this airkissing routine....... its sooooo tough. I had to endure a lot of giggles b4 I learnt that the decibel of the kiss doesnt determine a successful routine and that three times is the accepted system.
Anyway...... the point here is that(is there one?????) I am much more concious now of how i behave around my....errr downtrodden friends.
What I would appreciate at this juncture is a blogathon on guys who have been nice to girls ..... a stranger who helped expecting nothing in return or something like that. The idea is to let idiots like me know how to behave and also give us a few incidents to aspire to. Do give us a few do's instead of only donts.

Sunday, March 19, 2006


I dont feel good feels as if the seven dwarfs needed a new location to mine in and they chose my throat. The good news is that I am sure that they are well into the 21st century from the way they are using the pneumatic drills.
Its actually not that bad, it only hurts when i eat, drink, speak or breathe. But the worst part of this is that its just not bad enough for me to take a leave. But my office is thinking of giving me an off tomorrow...... I have designed this cough(yup! i do mean i practied the whole of last night to make it perfect....) which sounds like the proverbial 'death rattle'...... trust me, every time i let it go, the whole office shudders and they watch me with lovely expressions of disgust while i search for my lungs that should have come out in the force(I wonder if lungs are actually white and yellow globules.......... new discovery?????).
The only positive is the fact that nobody comes near my desk and so I am free to do what i want. my boss did ask me abt the quote that i was to send today and when i said,"Cough!!!(splat...... a piece of my 'lung' on his red tie)aheeeemmmgggglllglgl" he was very understanding and told me to take it easy and gave me his tie as a present.......nice guy.
So I went to a doctor in the afternoon and was promptly told to go back in the evening as the doc was off for his afternoon siesta........So I decided to have lunch and went to burger king and had a whopper meal(it was sooooooo difficult to drink all of the coke....but i managed....test of true determination). Then I went back to the clinic and luckily for me the doc was free(after paying aed.50 of course) and saw me immidiately. Then I did a brief i-pod impression, when he was listening to various parts of my body .... and he proclaimed that I had a chest conjestion.....I have no idea how that is as I had pain only in my throat....the fool!!, and told me to follow the hot nurse and take the medication. She took me to a small room and asked me to drop my pants.....yaaayyyyyyyyy.....OUCHHHHHH...... i dont have to tell u what heppened next..... Now, i have a cough, sore throat and a sore right cheek!!!!!!! I am standing and typing this in..........................

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Money for nothing....

I hate them.............. really really hate them.
The irony is that, till about six months back they were my best friends, they used to b with me where ever I went and I had a lot of fun with them..... But like all weekend raves, all good things must come to an end and unlike Krishen Kumars acting career, all bad things dont come to a fast end.
Who am I talking abt?????Banks Of course....
I used to watch all the Visa and American Express adverts back home and had put using them as one of my goals in life(I know, Iknow......but its my life and I can set any goal i want). So as soon as I joined my job in Dubai, I applied for, and got my First card. 19 days and 22 swipes later, I got my first 'card rejected' slip. But I am not so easily disuaded....... I took both master and visa from another bank(the first one is obviously bad as they refused me any more money even though I defaulted only one payment.....the first one) and was able to parry the rejection slip for almost a month(i was travelling on an official trip for 17 of those days). Then another bank called and offered me a huge limit and I saw the end to all my troubles(already my balance was around 4 times my salary) as i created the perfect plan. I will transfer all the other three of my card balances onto this one and get back in control. But exactly then my holiday happened............ $5000 available balance became $5300 payable in a span of not more than 10 parties.
So to recap, 4 cards; No available balance; Monthly minimum payable of more than 50% of my salary!
Whats the solution?????? Simple...take a personal loan and clear of all the cards at one will b lesser interest and a single point payment. Perfect.
2 mobiles+1 home theatre system+3 city centre trips(SALE!!!!)+'Special' orthopeadic bed and cot +countless 'happy hour' nights = 1 personal loan.
I never knew that the formula was sooo simple .....
In the middle of all this, the stupid Emirates Driving School ppl gave me my licence......... So the situation now, 5 Cards(they gave me another card with the car loan......poof!); No available balance; 1 personal loan; 1 car loan........
So whats the solution?????? Simple....go to the boss and ask for more money. Its surprising how fast a bureaucratic set up can react when it needs to and I had my walking papers in 2 hours..... apparantly the company doesnt run just because of me!!!!! Imagine!!!!!
Now with, 5 cards; No available balance; 1 personal loan; 1 car loan; late payment & over limit charges; and 10 CV's, I set out .... Bhikshaandaehi!!!!!!!

But every dark cloud has a silver lining............. other than Mohanlal, no speck of light can possibly get around that frame now, I have a job with almost 2 times my old salary and 5 times my old work, am well on my way to closing my second card and six months since my last swipe........ had a brief relapse when I HAD to buy a couple of levi's. But its under control now and am in the process of perfecting the art of mooching........ (rahul's idiom for moochers: Go pee while they pay). And my heart felt advice to other aspiring victims of the credit quick sand, have a blast as its great while it lasts.....but remember, like every girl in America(Confidential Source:Boston Legal on Star World) U have the right to say No at anytime...and No means No!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006


I think its time ..... time for me to buckle down, stow away my immaturity and write about something serious. Yes....... all the finger pointers who have yelled at me to grow up(other than my girlfriend who actually wants me to b a little taller) will look sickly after today when i will b sooo mature that maturity will b renamed rahul.
That brings me to the pertinant point...... what the hell is maturity???????? My uncle feels that not cracking PJ's is THE sign of maturity(i will never mature then)...... my grand uncle(my lord voldermot) has no such parameters......he has decided that I will never b father feels that saving money is being mature(never...if u cant spend it,u dont deserve it I say).....the list goes on and on....
So as a first step to attain maturity, I am reinventing myself.....or rather my voice. I am in the process of cultivating a deep baritone that will leave amitabh bachchan awestruck. trust me, by the time I am through with myself, I will sound as if I am proverbial frog in the well (koopa mandukam)....... not the ignorant one, but the one with the resonating, echoing deeeeeeeeep voice(remember the prince after the princess kissed the frog????what a voice)........ok, mayb the comparison doesnt quite work the way i wanted it to, but i hope u get the drift.
But the biggest problem about maturity is the what took the poodle haired guy his lifetime to discover ....relativity. I look at myself and the decisions I take and I feel sooo bloody mature that my eyebrows should logically b white. But.........!!!!! So I am gonna take the einstein legacy forward and create the ultimate relative maturity questionnaire....

Please give truthful answers to the questions given below and do not scroll down if you want accurate results.

  1. Which is your favorite dog? (a)Labrador (b)Doberman(c)Pomeranian(d)Lapazo
  2. Which is your favorite colour?a)Greenish Black(b)Reddish Black(c)Yellowish Black(d)black
  3. Which is your favorite dosa?a)Masala Dosa(b)Ghee Roast(c)Paneer Dosa(d)Family Dosa
  4. Which is your favorite Country?(a)India(b)China(c)Somalia(d)USA
  5. Who would u like to b when u grow up?a)Politician(b)Fireman(c)Policeman(d)Bill Gates

The ratings of your maturity, based on ur responses, are given below:

  1. Labrador-Wise, loving; Doberman-Angry, no tail;Pomeranian-shrill;lapazo-No idea
  2. Greenish Black-Envious, nauseaus; Reddish Black-Anger, Black eye; Yellowish Black-Mr.Denzel Lee ; Black- Amitabh Bachchan
  3. Masala Dosa- Flatulance ; Ghee roast-Annapurna Gowri Shankar; Paneer Dosa-Yuck;Family Dosa- Y the hell??????????
  4. India-Young Population; China-too many old ppl; Somalia; too many sick ppl;USA- too many Dumb ppl
  5. If you answered this question you are immature............ since u urself feel that u still have to 'grow up'.

Am sure that by now u would have realised that there is nobody more rahul than rahul and that since rahul is called rahul from now on, rahul is rahul.(if u suddenly feel that u are reading someother language, please refer 1st para, last line)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

English around the world

As a rule, I am totally against putting up forwards as posts.........but since i am totally against being against anything, I am going to put this one I got today and which I found to b real good.

On an Athi River highway (this is the main road to Mombasa) leaving Nairobi ."TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
A notice seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."


No....... I am not talking abt a sequel to Koi Mil Gaya..........and no super heroes here.......but I am gonna try and do a Bill Bryson here.
A lovely tropical Island..........sunbathed pristene beaches...........lovely blue waters..........idyllic lifestyle.........very low entry Visa required
Fully covered when u venture out to the 'indecent' attire when swimming in the english television channels............ and the wost of alllllllll, the biggest crime, NO BEER(or any alcohol for that matter)
WELCOME TO KISH ISLAND!!!!!!!!! where the height of revelry is talking abt booze and sex.........where the women exit the aircraft in jeans and tees and by the time they reach the immigration counter, look like one of the rejects from Ramses Tomb(honest to god....they are all shepearded into a room and trussed up in burkhas and scarves).........where the only thing that the TV plays are updated visa arrivals............ Ideal holiday spot anyone??????????
The majority of the arrivals into this dingy airport are poor souls like me from the UAE who have to change their visa as their visit visa ran out and need a place to hide out till the new visa is issued and the rest are poor souls who have to change their visa and need a place to hide out till the new visa is issued.........This must be the smallest Island in the world with an airline of its own...Kish Airlines. I am writing this in a haze as I am still suffering from jet lag and the 5* comforts of the flight.
Have u ever seen as autorikshaw with wings???????if u havent try Khish Airlines......its an experience to be missed if ever possible. When all my fellow passengers made a beeline for the aircraft, I gave my superior smile and pitied their foolish hurry as I had insisted at the check in counter for seat 2A(right in front) and GOT IT. And when I swaggered in, I was shocked to see a filipino girl perched in my seat and talking animatedly to her companian.......I know my rights ...... i am educated and have an MBA ...and so in my most svauve manner I brushed back my hair and told her......."errrr....excuuuse me.....errrrrrr...hmmmmm...ahemmm""pahano kayakenjkauakkjakka" she shot back ......... ohohhhhh that blast would have laid any lesser mortal low....but v trikkadeeri's are made of sterner stuff(lots of curd rice in the past), I went upto the moving face which i correctly assumed to be an air hostess(keen observation u see) and showed her my boarding pass.......... everything will b cleared up now.......i will show that girl whos the boss. "Seeet"-airhostess........"HUH"-mba(on her lap??????big inner smile........"anywhere seeeeeeet"-airhostess......."huh???????"-mba(its the classic use of one single word giving different meanings by the subtle changes in the not a pg for nothing)Unfortunately the subtility was lost on the girl and she turned away leaving me half way thru my next "hhhhhhhuhh!!!!"(wanted to do the exclamation pronounciation.....but ...) so i trudged to the end of the flight oblivious to the smirks and the sniggers proud of the fact tht I stood up for my self,a laa 'rang de basanti' the movie.......or did i?????? anyway....... i had hardly seated myself when the conductor closed the door and v were really felt like one of those KSRTC buses back home. I was putting on my seatbelt and suddenly one guy threw the inflight meal at me......i swear he did.......and when i ravenously opened it up,behold...3 sweetmeal biscuts, a pack of peanuts and one pineapple drink!!!!!! I was contemplating on Karma and how this is the ideal punishment for leaving my last job just because i am getting more money and the started to open the peanuts when I hear a sinister voice saying "finis???" and the box was snatched away and the seatbelt sign came on and we landed.
The sign said,"welcome to Kish, the visa free island" and in small print under it "visa valid for 14 days"
So I hitched up my jeans and got into the immigration line for my 'Gandhijayanthi holiday' no booze holiday.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The drunken inventor

Move over 'mini skirts', I have been introduced to the greatest invention in the history of mankind last night(misinformed masses even consider 'the wheel' as the one..........but lets face it ppl, when was the last time a wheel got u either dumbstruck or high???) and it is....(drumroll)..... "After drink"(AD).
Its an innocuous looking tablet with comes in a holding strip (free accessory) and in a lovely red pack (again totally free) which belies the miraculous properties it offers u. U pop one after every drink u have and.......vola.....absolutely no hangover the next day.Really!!!!! I woke up today morning with absolutely no P.M.P.S (Post Monthly Pubathalon Syndrome). Ok ..... my legs are still cramping up like mad and my back still aches as when in a brief flash of beer bravado, I tried the backflip which i was really good at appreciating during my college days......... thanks Abi for lifting me up and carrying me away from the dance floor b4 the scantily clad brood had a good look at the little guy with the weird side burns who suddenly got lost in the smoke(thank you smoke machine).
I am sure that AD is gonna revolutionize the whole system.........i.e- MY system by which I party only on thursdays and of course pubathalon days. But the tough part is to remember to pop a pill (dejavu anyone??)after every drink. The first two pints its ok.....but then it starts to get hazier..... So in the larger interests of the human race, i have decided to invent an after drink reminder (ADR).
Bye...bye roomie..... I am going to buy my penthouse at the Burj Dubai from the royalities of ADR. It is a complicated equipment and I will try my best to explain it in laymans terms for the non beeraholics......

ADR Components:

  1. A high quality shrink wrapping to protect the box
  2. A high quality box for the shrink wrapping to be wrapped around
  3. A high quality laminated card with instructions to be reminded of AD at every new order
  4. A high quality glossy printed disclaimer
  5. A high quality envelope with a 10 dirham note ( can be customised for various other currencies)
  6. A high quality picture of Yana Gupta in a swim suit

Inventors Note: I am sure that you have noticed the great importance I give to quality and am sure that you will be realize that the price is much lower than it should be.......... but thats me, always giving and giving.....

Usage Instructions:

  1. Carefully unwrap the high quality shrink wrapping
  2. Open the box from the side marked 'open' facing the east (Very Important... feng shui integration)
  3. Carefully take out the disclaimer and sign it.......absolving the inventor of any libel arising from any side effects or non performance of ADR
  4. Take out(carefully) the laminated card and the envelope and give it to the waiter attending to your table/barman if sitting at the bar(A different model also comes with multiple cards for crowded bars when different waiters might a slightly higher cost of course)
  5. Carefully remove the Yana Gupta photograph and appreciate the design powers of the almighty
  6. Relax and enjoy the best buy u ever had.....

Distributors interested to be a part of the greatest invention in the history of mankind(the cynics will ask, 'its not AD anymore???'.....the formula is simple.....I=the greatest ever, therefore, my invention = the greatest ever) can please contact me at the earliest but I reserve the Saudi Arabian market for myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Am in heaven.......

Its that time of the month again...........its the cramps that are the worst and the headaches.....oh goddddd!!! Tonight is my monthly pubathalon.(It used to b the 15th but am travelling tomorrow evening) 11 outlets in 5 hours................... My office calls it fam trip and I call it Utopia. Seriously, what can b better than free beer from 11 of the best discs in the city??????? beer from 15 could be even better.......but I have learnt to b happy within my limitations(is there no limit to my humility???). The only bone I have to pick with them is that they dont let me do it on a thursday(friday holiday here) so that I can sleep it tomorrow morning is gonna b real bad......... as I am travelling in the evening I cant even go in late to the can b a bitch.
But being a devoted employee and a confirmed beeraholic, I am ready to suffer all this in the line of duty. Dont ask what number of beer I can drink, but ask the number i didnt drink.(self sacrificing And the best part of this exercise.....i get to use the company credit card...........i ask u, can life get better??????? Of course it can....... life can get much better if I had continuous use of the card and every day was like tonight when i can get sloshed with my boss's blessings...and money.
Times a wasting............... have to leave now and have my pubathalon shower(half a bottle of perfume) and wear my pubathalon uniform(my old denim jacket) and spike up my hair(to look taller)......and ....... good night sobriety!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Celebrating .....ME

Today is a beautiful day.......... after weeks of determined, focussed, dedicated and real hard drinking and 2 hours of preparing a presentation, I have landed the biggest deal in our company's history. The biggest award nite in Bollywood is going to b destination managed by yours truly(lets see how much longer they remain the biggest). But the one thing I have again been struck by is the fact that, the anticipation is better than the actual thing happening. i had thought that when this finally happens, I will b jumping with joy and prancing arnd and having a bash. But ........ nothing. My boss just put the whole thing on my head and asked me to give him the complete project report in 2 days. This is when i realized that my brilliance is actually a curse.
Its in the same vein that I thank god for making sure that I didnt grow beyond 5'5". Just imagine, handsome, smart...... no ... no...debonair, brilliant and TALL???????? That would have been an injustice....... what would the rest of the guys do???? But i can assure u that the most appealing of my virtues is my utter humility. In fact, its with the greatest of pride that I say that I am the most humble person that I know.
The first flash of brilliance that I can remember(and is embedded in trikkadeeri folklore) is when at the age of 5, I single handedly demolished 2 maranat appams. For the uninitiated, appam is a sweet made of jaggery,sugar, jaggery and jaggery(as u might have guessed ,I am clueless.....but thats all the taste I remember) and appam from maranatt(my cousins) are the biggest, sweetest and most sought after.......and I have seen manishettan, who is rumoured to have started the famine in Somaila when he was there in transit and needed an appitizer, struggle to finish one. Another instance was when at age 22, me and my friend deepak, finished 3 full bottles of rum in one sitting and slept through the next 36 hours.
But my greatest achievement was when I was working in Hyderabad. I happened to burn my leg and break my arm when i discovered that sliding on the Tankbund road on my side with my bike on top of me can b slightly injurious to my health(and I dont even smoke).......if ever i meet the guy who jaywalked right into me,Grrrrrrrr............ and I was going back home the next day, my friends decided to cancel the send off I was suppossed to get. But i am never the person to pass up on a free drink(Old palakkad saying ' never tempt rahul with free beer') and went to Outswinger pub, in my shorts and sleeveless, with casts on my right leg and arm..... balancing on my friends shoulder. The other pubbies gave me a gaping ovation.
But thats not all.......... on top of all this, I am kind to young kids and make it a point to help one old lady a day to cross the street, whether she wants to or not.
Now u will realize that i am speaking the unblemished truth when i tell u that I am the greatest person I have ever met. God......when will they start giving out awards for excellence in Narcissism??????????????